For the Romanian Man...

“For the Romanian Man with the Long Dark Hair Whose Name I May Never Know”

In my two-year sabbatical of sin, I found you

With my non-dominant hand

I typed the words “Long haired twink”

On a sleazy website bearing the logo of a rodent

And you appeared

In a turned-off shower still beaded with water droplets

You faced the camera with a cheeky grin

Dripping black hair tumbling over your damp shoulders

Your thin, pale flesh exposed for ravenous eyes

Speaking of eyes, I don’t remember the color of yours

Why would I remember 

When my own devoured every part of you not meant for public consumption?

I remember the sharp angles of your face

The wicked curve of your full lips

Your blush-pink nipples

Your intact cock in hand

For some reason, I noticed the label “Romanian”

Tucked in between other search terms

Like “gay” and “twink” and “shower”

Above a comment section littered with pleas for greater sins

To the boldest of your viewers

Touching yourself and saying sexy words

Was not enough to quell their lonely, violent appetites

They begged for greater debasement

More degradation than you willingly provided

Not one kind word to praise your true beauty

I was among those who gleefully abused you

In my languishing soul and lust-broken heart

A living, foreign sex doll for my viewing pleasure

One without name or thoughts or needs

When I picked up my Rosary again

Needing peace from my objectifying, pornographic loop

I found I could not leave you

Your innocent sinfulness haunted my every waking dream

Do you know how many prayers have poured from my repentant heart?

How guilty I felt seeking my gratification rather than your love?

How many Hail Marys have spilled from my lips?

How often I have imagined Christ embracing you?

Whenever you appear, I begin with the words

“For the Romanian Man with the Long Dark Hair Whose Name I May Never Know”

And imagine Jesus turning off your webcam

Wrapping you in a warm, fluffy, white robe

Then sharing a hot cup of tea at your kitchen table

Once you are somewhat dressed and sipping tea

I pray five decades in earnest without distraction

That you may find peace, grace, respect, and agape-love

And come to know yourself as one made in His image

Just as 2,862 Hail Marys in my 54-day Novena taught me

I pray you find my prayers somehow

Forgive me for making you my soulful sex toy

Leave the world of commodified flesh behind for LOVE

Learn to steward all your gifts from God, as I struggle to learn

So someday we may meet in Heaven

Amen