Down Bad Girl

Down Bad Girl

“Oh Lord, give me chastity, but do not give it yet.” — Saint Augustine

I have dreamed of this moment for approximately 4,015 days. In the versions of this scene that play in my head, our dots on the map are much closer together. No air between us. I do not picture what we will say because in the director’s cut of this reunion, we are not talking.

In the version that plays in real life, our dots are far apart, mostly. Spouses and better friends between us. In the version that plays in real life, all I can seem to say is that I’m cold. I don’t have access to my wit or charm. When I’m near you, all I can think of is how my body feels.

After all this time, even with the dreams, I thought we could simply be friends. We were that once. Briefly. I thought there were two of you. The version that existed in my heavy-breathing-heavy-petting fantasies and the real you. One I could love platonically, not a counter full of meat to my hungry dog.

But here we are, and woof. The dots have moved closer, touching, not quite like I dreamed it. You are talking, laughing. You have taken my hands into yours and my heart into my throat.

What if I just guided your fingers into my mouth? I could play it off as a joke. Sorry, I’m a licker. Don’t mind me, just trapped in my oral fixation phase.

You’re stroking my arm while you speak. Petting me tenderly. It doesn’t mean to you what it means to me, I think. You are like this with all the girls. All the boys too. Wide open, well adjusted, warm.

Or is it an excuse to touch me?

It is time for me to say something back. To keep you engaged. I am wholly unaware of the words I bark out, trapped too deep in the recesses of my brain, heaving mechanical brakes against the runaway train of my id.

DON’T, I am saying in a warning tone to the dog inside me. NO BITING. Keep your teeth away from your lips. NO HUMPING. Keep your hips still against the chair. DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. Not your erogenous zones or anyone else’s.

“I hope you’re as happy as I am,” you say.

Huh. So you’re not sick with lust, sweaty with desire in the face of me.

Who knows if I am happy, who cares. There is no before and after, there is only the animal want of here and now. I want to take some part of you, any piece will do, and suck the flesh from your bones. I want to eat your heart out while I ride you, bedaub your neck and chest with your own blood, tender kisses and little flashes of teeth. I want to be the bad dog that I am, just for one more night.

I go home with someone else, tail between my legs. A good girl, against my will, against my wishes.