Letters from Strawberry Condom

Letters from Strawberry Condom

Dear Louisa,

Thank you for your interest in Strawberry Condom Magazine, an eclectic literary and speculative

publication. Unfortunately, “World War III or Meeting my Mother-in-Law” is not suited to our

current needs.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Ron,

Thank you for sending us your investigative piece “BDSM at UFO Conventions.” It is not quite right for us at this time, but please feel free to revise and resubmit. Thank you, sir.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Kristen,

Thank you for sending us “Letters to a Beluga: My Ex-Husband Remembered.” Unfortunately, epistolary works are passé.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Frida,

Please stop sending Phantom of the Opera fan fiction and knockoffs to Strawberry Condom. I realize the original story is public domain, but that doesn’t mean I want to read romanticized retellings of an unbelievably messed-up plot.

Yours,

Skyler

P.S. The Phantom’s name is spelled “Erik.”

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Dear Mikey,

I read your creative nonfiction piece with interest. Unfortunately, “Truck Stops Where I’ve Taken a Dump” doesn’t meet our current needs.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Avery,

Please refer to our editorial policies before submitting additional work to Strawberry Condom. We are absolutely not interested in any stories that depict a ménage à trois involving a goose, an antelope, and a pickup truck. This is quite clearly stated in our guidelines.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Kelly,

Although I enjoyed reading “Writing about Writers who Write about Writers,” Strawberry Condom rarely publishes stories about writers, whether they write about writers or not. Best of luck placing it elsewhere.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Eugene,

I thoroughly enjoyed reading “Bangkok by Day, Vegas by Night.” Unfortunately, it is a little too sexually explicit for Strawberry Condom. I’m passing on this piece with the greatest regret.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Pilar,

I read your humorous fiction piece about rival magazine editors with great interest.

Unfortunately, stories about editors are rarely accepted at Strawberry Condom. We will be giving “The Daily Omelet vs Kombucha Quarterly” a pass but wish you luck in placing it elsewhere.

Yours,

Skyler

P.S. If I may make one suggestion: I don’t think The Daily Omelet and Kombucha Quarterly are particularly good names for fictional magazines.

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Dear Regina,

Thank you for sending us “Making Love like You’re Twenty Again.” Unfortunately, straight-up fantasy is a hard sell.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Bubba,

I read your story about rabid flying squirrels in second-run movie theater parking lots with great interest. Unfortunately, I just purchased a similar piece last week. Best of luck in placing “Contrived B-Movie Horror Plot” elsewhere.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Hannah,

This is the third time you’ve written requesting an update on the status of your novelette “Why Beings from the Fourth Dimension Make the Best Lovers.” Our guidelines clearly state that submissions greater than 10,000 words require up to six months for a response. It’s barely been two weeks! I’m reading as fast as I can, and it may behoove you to remember that you are not the only writer to submit work to the prestigious Strawberry Condom.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Henry,

I enjoyed reading “Democrats and Other Jackasses I’ve Known.” Unfortunately, political satire is not in high demand at Strawberry Condom.

Yours,

Skyler

P.S. To answer your question, I voted for my first cousin once removed who co-owns a comic

book store that doubles as a laundromat. He seemed as good a candidate as any and infinitely

more qualified.

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Dear Hammond,

For the third time, I didn’t reject “Thoughts on Sexy Lamps” because it failed both the Bechdel-Wallace and Mako Mori Tests. I rejected it because it sucks.

Yours respectfully,

Skyler

P.S. And no, I didn’t reject the piece because you’re my first cousin once removed. All

submissions at Strawberry Condom are read blind. If you read the submission guidelines carefully, you would know that.

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Dear Jeff,

Thank you for thinking of Strawberry Condom. Unfortunately, “A Clockwork Grapefruit” is a bit too derivative for us. For this reason, we are also passing on “Eats, Shoots, and Breeds.”

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Briana,

Thank you for sending us “The Duke and His Martian Harem.” Unfortunately,

Regency/Sheik/Sci-Fi crossovers are currently out of vogue.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Carl,

Thank you for sending us “Aromantic Transgender Wombats in Brooklyn.” Unfortunately, the piece is somewhat unclassifiable. We all enjoyed reading it here at Strawberry Condom, but we have no idea how to label it. I’ll be giving this work a pass and wish you sincere luck in placing it elsewhere.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Hammond,

I am declining your piece “Thoughts on Three-Breasted Alien Babes.” In the future, please self-reject.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Mariah,

Thank you for sending us “Let’s Get Ready for Spirit Weed!” Unfortunately, high school comedy is a hard sell. We are also passing on “Proudly Severing our Community” for the same reason.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Travis,

Thank you for submitting work to us. Unfortunately, “Breaking Wind at the Drive Thru” is a bit too crude for our tastes here at Strawberry Condom.

Yours,

Skyler

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Dear Frankie,

I enjoyed reading your fantasy piece “Getting Laid at the Comic Book Store.” Unfortunately, although the unusual premise shows promise, the characterization is somewhat lacking. I am regretfully passing on this piece and wish you luck in placing it elsewhere.

Yours,

Skyler

P.S. My first cousin once removed co-owns a combination comic book store and laundromat, so I definitely understood and appreciated some of the cultural references.

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Dear Fritter,

I am pleased to accept “A Most Peculiar Premise” for Strawberry Condom. Your story about time travelling space pirates who kidnap a pregnant Victorian era New York heiress who solves mysteries with the help of her talking psychic Carolina parakeet is an absolute train wreck in the best possible way. Moreover, it is exactly what I’ve been looking for here at Strawberry Condom. I would be delighted to purchase this piece for $300 upon acceptance plus two contributor copies with the condition that you answer two questions: 1) what have you been smoking, and 2) where can I get some?

Yours most sincerely,

Skyler Hammond, Editor-in-Chief of Strawberry Condom Magazine